Losing Meme -
My grief story
My mother was wonderful in every way. I have never met anyone like Mary Jean Porter Mullins and I am confident I never will. She was unique.
The best part about her was that she was the world's greatest mother! My brother and I were blessed to be her sons.
She was incredible in so many ways, but she left this life much too early over 20 years ago after a six-year battle with ovarian cancer. Her death has inspired me to help others dealing with grief.
Most people do not choose to work in the field of grief. I suppose they find it depressing and difficult. After losing my mom, and going through what I went through, and watching my dad and brother deal with it as well, I was inspired to learn about grief and help others.
Mom was on hospice care the last few weeks of her life and my family was impressed with the work of the chaplain that visited her. The chaplain came to the home, sat with the family and offered encouragement and spent time with Mom - sharing scriptures and prayer. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, one day maybe I could do that kind of ministry.
Years later, I finally got the opportunity to serve as a full-time hospice chaplain. It was not an easy job, but I loved it! I served as both the chaplain and the bereavement coordinator, continuing to work with families after the passing of their loved one. I learned a great deal about grief during that period and have wanted to share that experience in a meaningful way since.
I have had the opportunity to take classes in the relatively new field of "coaching". This has nothing to do with organizing athletes and putting them in the best position to play their best. Instead, this is intended to work with individuals to help them figure out where they are in their journey and set a course to where God wants them to go. The coach is not an "all-knowing guru" but instead a co-journeyer who helps the client find, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, what is next for them.
Having completed my training, I want to offer to help those who are suffering with grief. While it would never have been my choice to have lost my mother, I believe that God has used this tragedy to prepare me to be able to help others. For that, I am grateful.
So, do you need help in taking the next step in your life? I invite you to join with me to navigate what God has in mind for you. He still has a plan for your life - don't miss it.
The Difference Between Grief Counseling and Grief Coaching
It's all about God's plan for you. . .
While I have been helping others dealing with grief for decades, I have recently been trained as a coach. Giving counsel during grief is needed, but coaching is important as well. In the coaching process, you access where you are and seek what God wants from you next. In order to truly heal, it's important to find the "next step" in your life.
Do you feel lost? Maybe stuck is a better word. The life that you once enjoyed is just a memory and you don't know what to do next.
If so, I have good news. You are not alone. Many others feel something similar each day. I am of the opinion that I can never say that "I know how you are feeling", because in reality I can never know exactly how you feel. While I have experienced a loss and studied grief for two decades, that does not mean that I can fully understand what you are going through.
One of the truths that I have found with grief is that while most people experience grief at the loss of a loved one, everyone grieves in their own way and that is the way it is meant to be. I believe, after witnessing and experiencing grief, that each individual must blaze their own path.
As a grief coach, it is my goal to help you figure out where you are in your grief and life and then assist you in creating a plan for that "next step". In doing this, I trust that you will find hope and grieve with hope.
One of my favorite scriptures about grief comes from the writings of Paul. Toward the end of I Thessalonians, Paul interjects, seemingly out of the blue, some encouraging information about the afterlife and what is to come.
⦁ I Thessalonians 4: 13 - We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.
Paul wanted the believers in Thessalonica, and everyone who read his letter to the early church, to grieve with hope. Friend, there is hope and I want to help you find it through a coaching relationship.
When I first started working as a chaplain and bereavement director, I was given training on how to counsel people in grief. The key, it seemed, was to get the person to look back and see if they were doing any better than before. To my dismay, nobody I was providing counsel for seemed to be getting any better. Our time together seemed to be just rehashing all of the pain they have felt since losing their loved one. We were not progressing through grief.
Coaching is a process where you acknowledge that you are grieving, but seeking to find what is next for you. As I say on the front page of this website - as long as you have breath, you have a purpose. My goal, passion in my professional life, if to people find that purpose so they can take their next steps,
You Have Probably Heard About the Five Stages of Grief - it's not enough
THE PROBLEM
While trying to help people who were grieving, I found that whether I was working with them one-on-one or in a small group, we tended to repeat what we had talked about the last time we met. We were not "going" anywhere.
I found that none of the people I was working with were even attempting to move forward. They had decided to just sit down and give up on their journey through grief.
I was not helping them at all. As a matter of fact, by just sitting with them and repeating all the hurt may have actually been hurting them.
FIVE STAGES IS NOT ENOUGH
When I became a "professional" in the grief field, going beyond my ministry training, I was taught about the five stages of grief.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
The concept of the five stages is easy to take in and understand, but not overall helpful. While I agree that most people experience most of those "stages", there is so much more happening.
The stages were introduced by a Swiss American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". The world seemed to take this idea and run with it, but if you read her later works, she never meant for the stages to be taken so literally.
The stages, I found, do not build on themselves. For example, if one day I wake up, stop bargaining and feel especially sad, it does not mean that I will no longer attempt to bargain or feel anger. I personally experienced waking up feeling like I have accepted my mom's death, but by the end of the day feeling angry all over again.
It is my goal to work with each individual and help them in their grief journey. No grief journeys overlap.
My focus is to help you where you are and assist you to get to where you need to be.
I pledge to work with you as an individual and help you find your future, your next step.
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